I was fortunate to grow up in a family where we spoke calmly even when we were angry. They taught us that, to live together, we needed to find the right moment to say certain things and choose our words carefully. When we wanted to say nice things to each other, we did so simply and only when it was the right time.
When I left the nest and started working, I encountered a bit of everything. In my first job, I had a boss who didn’t speak to me. In a couple of years, he barely spoke to me, except on a few occasions to scold me. Once for laughing while working, another for being late. He would send me tasks through other people, much to his surprise and mine. Now it makes me laugh a lot. If he caught me today, he wouldn’t get off easy. Time is a good trainer.
Later, I had the privilege of working with a great communicator. The complete opposite of the previous one. A great speaker and trainer. Over time, I realized that some of his inspiring phrases could have a double meaning. So when he told us 'here’s a great opportunity for professional development,' he meant we had to put in more hours than the clock. You had to learn to read between the lines. As hard as it is to believe, I preferred the style of the previous boss. With him, you knew exactly what you were dealing with. He was tough but transparent. You could like it more or less, but you knew where you stood.
CI share this as an example. I don’t want it to sound like a drama, it didn’t cause me any trauma. On the contrary, it taught me to stand up for myself and decide who and how I wanted to work with. It made me think and learn a lot about the way we communicate and what happens in those what we call crucial conversations.
It’s interesting to attend one of those meetings where everyone speaks and listens without interrupting; different arguments and opinions are woven together, and it seems like something new and useful is being created. The surprise comes when agreements are not fulfilled and commitments remain just words. You realize you’ve witnessed a pantomime performed by artists of dialogue.
What I want to convey with all this is that it’s not enough to master communication for a conversation to be successful; genuine interest is also necessary. I’m referring to sincere intent, authentic openness, not feigned, based on the belief that the other person also has important things to say. A humble attitude that assumes those around us can contribute a lot. And I would dare to add that it requires some courage to speak the truth, without fear of expressing what we need, what we can and cannot do, or what we don’t want to do.
